Wait, why don't I have a boyfriend?

Dear Ex-Boyfriends*,

*names have been changed to protect the guilty

We’d like to take this time to thank you for the lessons we learned from you while dating. So without much further ado….

Dear Don:

Thanks for teaching me its not normal for a guy to not cum during sex.

Dear Janus:

Thank you for teaching me that it’s better to keep your simultaneous conquests separated by states

Dear Ronald:

 Thanks for teaching me how important it is to brush your teeth AT LEAST once a day.

Dear Chris:

Thank you for teaching me that a concave chest is NOT sexy, and that you should never tell someone you love them for the first time while they’re inside of you……

Dear Rupert,

 I wasn’t into sex yet, but thanks for the advance warning that even if your dick is big, its power is cancelled out by being crooked

Dear Rob

Thanks for teaching me that when you jerk someone off you should probably do it Outside their pants

Dear Will,

thanks for teaching me that normal isn’t when you sneak your girlfriend in your driveway by way of her hiding in the backseat until you get into the garage, where she then has to hide for another 10-20 min while you get your mom and dad into the living room so they don’t see me walking in..

Dear Dave,

thanks for teaching me that apparently its possible to get to age 25 and still not understand what a clitoris is, that a Prius is a chick car, and that birthday presents should not (EVER) come from Walmart!

Dear Matt,

Thanks for teaching me how to throw a wine glass super accurately, talk your way out of a road rage criminal charge, make a big deal about literally EVERYTHING and to never propose to someone in a Mexican restaurant. Also your mom sucks.

Dear Ray,

Thanks for teaching me how to have sex in a car, and that heart-broken men do strange things, such as going to high school proms for like 4 years after they graduated

Dear Saied,

Thank you for not noticing/saying anything when I had to stop midblow job to get gum out of your pubes

Dear Zev,

Thanks for teaching me that camouflage brief cut panties are not sexy and that having a pencil sharpener you’ve named King will apparently get you laid

Dear Hanson,

Thanks for teaching me that you can throw up on someone’s dick and they will apparently still date you!

Dear Charles,

Thanks for teaching me that a sweet hook up at a bar isn’t (quite) a good enough reason to date someone (it was so, so close though…)

Dear rich guy who$e name e$cape$ me,

Thanks for teaching me that my expiration date for dating someone who$e only good quality is the balance in their checking account  is 2.5 week$

Dear Justin,

Thanks for teaching me that if you’re going to lick chocolate syrup off someone, you probably shouldn’t do it on a white carpet and also for showing me how a drug deal goes down.

Dear Tommy,

Thanks for teaching me that a blowjob isn’t named literally,

Dear ?,

Thank you for teaching me that losing your virginity can happen on the floor of someone’s living room in bologna super blackout drunk

Dear Adrian,

Thanks for teaching me that there is at least 1 guy out there who will pick a girl up from her Dublin hostel, take her to his apt, have sex with her, and then not kill her

Dear Thomas,

Thank you for teaching me that getting drunk and hanging out with someone you know wants to bang you results in you banging them even if you dont want to

Dear Jeremiah,

Thank you for teaching me that banging someone to get a job is not a good idea

Dear Kirk,

Thanks for teaching me that if you ever wake up with bruised knees, it’s probably because you were giving a blowjob on a hard wood floor. Also that peeing yourself during sex is a thing.

Dear guy I banged on New Year’s all coked up,

What happened? You were hot…I wonder if I still have your number somewhere…

Much Love,

Punks&Strunks&Chunks